You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
