A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
