youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize