Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize