i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
