you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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