After last night, I could never be a politician.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
