Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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