Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
