I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
