sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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