I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
