I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He? As in you personified your dick?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize