So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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