Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
