3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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