I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
