: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
