had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
