You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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