Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
