remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
