The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
