once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize