So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
