Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
