Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sorry about my life...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
