he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
