Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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