Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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