i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
