Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
