Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Green mimosas i think yes
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
