yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
