This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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