Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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