there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
