mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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