Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I have aggressive nipples.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
