i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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