Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
