Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
