I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
