I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There's always time for handjobs
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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