if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I came so hard my ears popped.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
