she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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