this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
