those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
