It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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