I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
