new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
