Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
