Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
