Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
