He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
